Some of the “birthmom stereotypes” just roll off my back. Because I’m so far from being that. Call me a crack head, that’s okay – because I wouldn’t know crack if it landed in my lap! Talk about me having no drive or ambition because I’ll gladly print you out a copy of my resume. But, I have to admit, there are some stereotypes that…..concern me.
Drinking is one of them.
Like some alcoholics, I’m eager to say that I don’t have a drinking problem. But unlike an alcoholic – I really don’t! (Which is was an alcoholic would say, but we can go round and round like this forever unless you just decide to take my word on it!)
Drinking impacts the first parent in two ways: the judgements about us drinking in general, and the judgements about us drinking while pregnant.
Both of them are on my mind right now.
I got a little triggered yesterday when I read someone basically saying that birthparents drink during pregnancy because they know they’re not going to parent the baby – so who cares? It won’t be their problem.
Yowsa – that’s a bold statement to make. Of course, it wasn’t backed up by any data other than the tried and true, “you know, I’m on a lot of forums and that just seems to be the case.” Ah yes, the report on the tiny percent you’re exposed to.
And here’s the thing – I’m no different. I’m going to report on the percent that I’m exposed to. And I can say without pause, that wasn’t the case for me, or for any of the women that I’ve ever spoken to about this that are first Mothers.
But, in the interest of full disclosure – I did drink when I was pregnant. Because – wait for it - I didn’t know I was pregnant. Which, for the record, also happens in pregnancies where the woman (or the couple) parents the child, and in pregnancies that were planned! So I’m not going to beat myself up about it. Cupcake is a perfectly happy, healthy toddler turned little girl – and thank goodness. I wasn’t perfect – but realistically, most people on the planet aren’t perfect. I’m okay with being among them.
I’m SO not perfect, that I even had a sip of champagne after I knew I was pregnant. Get out the pitchforks, it’s true. I was standing in my office with my three best friends as we prepared to walk up to get our diplomas. One of the girls poured us all glasses and we raised them in a toast. Terrified, I took the tiniest sip you’ve ever seen before walking outside. Once safely there, I did a flip of the wrist splashing the rest of the Dixie cup’s contents into a bush. Thus, the flip and splash was born – and was used at other outdoor parties through the summer. Another helpful tactic? Taking your drink with you to the bathroom. Drains make excellent receptacles for drinks.
The trigger-filled-commenter continued by talking about 5 drinks in one night being “binge drinking” and how that kind of drinking probably cant be stopped just because you see a little pink plus sign.
False.
It can be.
I certainly did it.
But the label “binge drinker” stuck with me…Today? It’s not all that uncommon that I could consume five mixed drinks at a party. I don’t feel like I need to, but just more of a “why not?” I maintain control, I don’t drive, and I’m not a total shit-show. I don’t do this often, but once in a while, sure.
That label though – “binge drinker” – it just feeds this fear of mine that my actions are somehow indicative of all first Moms. That I admit to having five cocktails at my best friends birthday/karaoke dinner (do people do karaoke with fewer than five drinks???? – joke by the way) and somehow I’ve admitted that first Moms are trainwrecks and I’m just leading the way. That I say Long Board and I drank a couple bottles of wine at home and all of a sudden I’m the poster (b)Mom for sucking the life out of a box of Franzia during some pathetic bender.
I don’t know why I take the drinking thing so personally….maybe because I have a brother that is an alcoholic. Maybe because I know all too well what the problem looks like – what it can do to a family.
But I also know that it’s because I’m haunted by the impression that Cupcake might have of me…that Dee might have of me….as some “binge-drinking-birthmom” that probably drank her way through her pregnancy. Cause, ya know, I wasn’t gonna parent anyway.
And that disgusts me.
Ah, The Ballad of The Unbearably Smug And Self-Righteous Who Know Every “Birth” Mom Personally And Can Verify Everything.
It’s an oldie, but a goodie.
My suggested reponse to this is that statistically, a portion of the female population are alcoholics. Therefore, it stands to reason a portion of the population of all women who have been/will be pregnant will then be alcoholics who drink during pregnancy, and some first moms will sadly be among those.
However, using that line of logic, it also stands to reason that a portion of ALL mothers, including adoptive ones, will be alcoholics…and while FAE and FAS are undeniably horrible, it is equally damaging to be parented by an active alcoholic regardless of any other factor.
By: Coco on October 21, 2009
at 5:40 pm
The most appaling thing I read in this blog?
You talking about drinking wine out of a box.
How could you????
I’m sorry, but that requires an intervention
By: brown325 on October 21, 2009
at 5:59 pm
Brown – you’ll be glad to know that while Jack and his roomie ALWAYS have a box of Franzia on hand, you know, for classy occasions – I’ve NEVER taken part and have always brought my own respectable wine from my apartment
By: thanksgivingmom on October 21, 2009
at 6:01 pm
Hey… back off the wine in a box (and hand it over to me, I’m not picky).
As usual, Coco puts it into perfect perspective. The law of averages just can’t be denied.
Last time I checked, we all had vices. Some of what is acceptable to me, may seem taboo to others and vice versa. But what do I know, I’m a binge-drinking-boozer a-mom!! Sheesh.
By: Barely Sane on October 21, 2009
at 7:00 pm
TG—the post you’re referring to had me ready to bring out the snark in a big way, but for some reason I resisted. As I sit here tonight sipping an awesome Syrah (NOT from a box) I recall that with all three of my pregnancies I drank prior to knowing I was “with child”. And, I had a FULL glass of champagne at my wedding when I was 4 months pregnant with my oldest parented child; yes, I got knocked up a 2nd time before I got married…makes one wonder if I’m hiding my multiple men under the bed with the crack pipe, doesn’t it?
But, I digress…I’d like to see the parent profile or “dear-gag-me-birthmother” letter of the poster who stated that women who choose to place their baby would drink throughout their pregnancies because they won’t have to deal with the problem…I’d like to see it because I can guarantee you that as a “hopeful adoptive parent” her “dear birthmother” said something along the lines of, “we admire your selfless bravery, your selfless love, your selfless courage to give your child a better life.”
I have such a hard time reconciling the thoughts I read in parent profiles with thoughts I read from people as soon as they get their paws on a child. Or, maybe I’ve just had a long day.
Paige
By: PaigeTurner on October 21, 2009
at 9:03 pm
Paige – I’m really glad you said this. I’m glad to hear that I wasn’t the only one that read that and was set off a bit. I chose to not pursue it any further, but it really bothered me.
As for the profiles bit? Well that’s a whole different thing for me to think on….but it’s something that I’d like to think on.
By: thanksgivingmom on October 22, 2009
at 8:17 am
you know, the alcohol thing is *so* last year…now, apparently, ‘most’ of the babies adopted in the US are born to moms addicted to meth. So now you know.
Drinking wine out of a box when you might be pregnant is bad because the baby might end up with poor taste in wine
By: ellycp on October 22, 2009
at 2:17 pm
Elly, I thought the *new vogue* was Meth. Liquor is just so gauche.
*snort*
And now someone’s going to hate mail me.
By: Coco on October 22, 2009
at 8:21 pm
“And now someone’s going to hate mail me.”
Funny how when others rake us across the coals, calling us druggies/alchies/fill-in-the-negative-stereotype-here it’s “okay.” But if WE take a step back and find humor in what they’re saying about us the hate mail flows in….
Ah, ya gotta love the irony….
By: thanksgivingmom on October 23, 2009
at 9:28 am
I really do love the humor above, and I too drank with both my pregnancies before I KNEW I was pregnant.
And I think my mom advised me 37 thousand times to have beer when I was 9 months pregnant because it would “help my milk” 
I think sometimes the anecdotal stories get mixed up between women who choose adoption for their infants, and children or infants adopted from foster care. Honestly, that attitude of “it doesnt matter I am not going to raise the baby anyways” DOES happen all too often in the foster care system. You hear stories in our community (with a significant alcohol problem) of babies being born drunk, alcohol steeped amniotic fluid reeking up a delivery room, 4,5,6 kids born with FAS to the same mom. It happens – tragically, horribly and devastatingly to the child.
BUT those moms? They most certainly ARENT the mom’s “making an adoption plan” … they dont have the foresight to PLAN anything, they are simply living to party. They realize that chances are their baby will be seized, but it has nothing to do with adoption, parenting or not – it has to do with their addiction, mental health issues and their own incapacity to see beyond tomorrow. There are certainly VERY few moms purposefully choosing to damage their babies — but there are lots of moms who are too addicted, too ignorant, too damaged themselves to be aware of the damage they are doing and stop themselves.
BUT again, that has absolutely nothing to do with mothers who are choosing adoption “willingly” vs those of us who foster or adopt through the system. Does that make sense? I hate when I hear aparents spouting off those “facts” without realizing it is two completely and totally different ballgames.
By: Jensboys on October 23, 2009
at 1:30 pm
Jen – I TOTALLY agree with what you’re talking about. And you’re right, it’s apples and jackhammers – even oranges are too close! The case that let to my frustration was a woman talking about a potential match where the emom admitted to drinking before knowing she was pregnant. Warnings of, “She might be lying because she wasn’t planning on parenting anyway” aren’t appropriate there, but are certainly a valid warning in the foster system.
Thanks as always for your perspective on that!
By: thanksgivingmom on October 23, 2009
at 2:12 pm
I read that thread, and agree totally with your point as well
By: Jensboys on October 23, 2009
at 4:00 pm