I’ve always been a sort of “denial” girl. If it’s bad news? I don’t really wanna hear it. I told Long Board not long ago that I don’t often want the ugly truth, but am very content with the pretty lie. Not on the big things – but with the little things? Absolutely!

So “honesty” doesn’t seem as black and white to me as it does to some people.

Now I realize this next part is going to sound absolutely nutball coming from a girl that hid her pregnancy, never told friends or family, and is now in a secret open adoption! However, when it comes to adoption – my instinct is to say that honesty is the best policy no matter what! (Which I realize means I’m breaking my own policy).

And sometimes I believe that…..but I’m the first to admit that I am susceptible to falling into that dark world of denial. That world where the pretty lie is better than the ugly truth. And I don’t think that I’m the only one.

I do think that there are some truth’s however that need to be upheld no matter what.

I believe that a child has absolute rights to know that he/she is adopted, and to have access to as much of his/her biological familial history, medical information, etc. No questions asked. That’s their truth and they should know it. If their parents (aparents, bparents, whatever letter you wanna put in front of ‘parents’ – whomever it is) are scared to tell the child the truth? I think that’s something that they need to work out. It’s not fair to the child.

So – with such a strong stance on that particular bit of truth, how can I find the rest a little hazy? How can I sit here day after day babbling about my fears of telling Long Board about Cupcake?

Because it’s different.

Cupcake is my daughter. My daughter that never asked to be adopted. My daughter that will always be my daughter no matter what. Her adoption impacts her directly. It’s a part of her story. Keeping that from her is a lie by omission – but I think it’s also more than that. It’s a constant deception about who she is.

Long Board is my boyfriend. He never asked to date a woman with a daughter (that I know of) but he did choose to date me. When he chose to date me, there was a lot that he didn’t know about me, and a lot that I didn’t know about him. There’s a lot we still don’t know about each other…but that’s the point of dating, right? To learn those things. Long Board will not always be my boyfriend no matter what. Now I’m not forecasting a breakup at this point – but let’s be realistic. Of all the relationships one has in their life, very few of them end up being the long-term-love-of-your-life-picket-fence-golden-anniversary-die-in-each-others-arms deals. I’m not saying LB is or isn’t this, but that I certainly don’t know yet! We’ve known each other for three months and thirteen days. And we’ve been dating ever since. Yes, I am keeping something from him. I am lying by omission…..but I think all dating is at some point lying by omission….right?

How many of us go on a first date and lay all of our cards on the table?

There’s lots I haven’t told LB….I haven’t told him about the guy I lost my virginity to. I haven’t told him about the fight my Mom and I had that changed our relationship forever. I haven’t told him about the abusive boyfriend I had. I haven’t told him how many guys I’ve slept with. I haven’t told him about the things I’m most afraid of or the things that I want most in the world.

And I haven’t told him about Cupcake.

All of these might be things he’d want to know about – and we’ll get there with most of them, but in due time.

It’s easy to point to Cupcake and say, “But that’s HUGE. How can you not tell him about that???”

And I don’t know what my answer is except to say that I’m not ready.

But that I’m putting more work into being ready for this than I’ve put into any emotional thing in a really long time – maybe ever.