Open adoption can be a scary concept for some – especially if they have little information of what that means, or worse, inaccurate information of what that means.
It can happen innocently as it did with Ram. When looking in on an open adoption, he was genuinely concerned that the first parents would try to influence the parenting decisions of the couple that were now Mom and Dad to the tiny baby girl.
It can happen maliciously, as I’ve seen in my own life. Where folks have been given every opportunity in the world to be educated, but are so stuck in their ways that they refuse to see what the reality is for many of us that are living in open adoptions.
I’ve never given Dee parenting advice. I’ve commiserated with her. I’ve nodded lamely as though my extensive Aunt experience can hold a candle to being a full-time Mom (though I do think it’s prepared me as much as anything can). I’ve accepted her parenting decisions knowing that open adoption is not about co-parenting. Knowing that those decisions are not mine to make and that I must, relatively, blindly accept what Dee has chosen.
That’s open adoption.
And yet, that fear exists.
And the fear is fair (try saying that ten times fast!) and I don’t deny parents that nervously have it. But as they worry about the co-parenting issue, as they plan for how they will safegaurd against it – the boundaries they’ll set up, the vocabulary they’ll use, the very clear roles that each participant in the adoption story will have…..I wonder…
I’ll admit, most of the exposure that I’ve had to parents through adoption is through the internet. I read their blogs, I chat with them in rooms, I participate in forums and reply to their threads. So most of the concerns that I’ve heard about co-parenting have come through these channels as well.
The other very prevelant thing that I see through these channels?
Parents reaching out for parenting advice.
And one day, a light turned on and illuminated something I wasn’t sure I wanted to see….
It wasn’t that adoptive parents had a problem getting advice on how to raise thier children, what discipline tactic they should use, what they should feed their child, what haircut their child should have, what sport their child should play, what TV shows their child should watch, what latest toy their child should receive for their 4th birthday, and any other number of questions relating to any given aspect of infancy, childhood, adolescence…..
It was that the advice just couldn’t – just shouldn’t – come from the child’s first parents.
Complete “strangers” – though I should note, I don’t consider my Cyberland friends strangers, so that’s not entirely fair – are completely qualified to give advice. But first parents? Can’t be given the option.
Because that’s dangerously close to “co-parenting.”
lol, that post is just so TRUE! Most people will accept advice from ANYONE strangers or not. Some will even accept unsolicticed advice from people and they will grin and bear it. Take what advice you want. But you are right, if that same advice came from a first mom you would get a whole different response (in cyber and real life)then if a stranger came up to you in a mall and said the excat same thing. Both just trying to be helpfull.
By: Amie on August 6, 2009
at 2:13 pm
Huh – I never thought of it that way but you make a very valid point. I usually ask for advice of people who have children roughly the same age as MG but you are right – I have never asked her first family. For me, it’s not a co-parenting thing it’s just something that never crossed my mind.
I wonder if I would get a response? Something worth trying, that’s for sure!
Good post TG!!
By: Barely Sane on August 6, 2009
at 5:23 pm
Actually, I think part of the appeal of asking for advice from strangers is the ability to listen, and then either follow or ignore it without a second thought. Kind of like brainstorming, in which everyone throws out ideas that you can sort through to find the ones you like. Because strangers don’t actually know your kid, and don’t have a vested interest in them, and so you don’t have to feel guilty if you choose not to take their advice, or if you try it and it doesn’t work out. And since they are not invested, the strangers (even those that become friends) aren’t likely to be bothered by that.
So in that sense I do think that advice from a first parent would feel different, because this is someone who knows the kid, and is very much invested in their well-being, and to whom you have some degree of responsibility. So it would be much harder to ask for/accept advice, and still have the freedom to ignore it if it doesn’t work for you.
This isn’t to say that this setup is a good thing, just that I can kind of see why it often works that way, even for adoptive parents who aren’t panicking about the imagined horrors of co-parenting. In an ideal world I guess I imagine it working like family – I ask my mom for advice all the time, and weigh it more heavily than advice from strangers because she knows me and loves me. But I also feel very comfortable choosing not to take it on occasion, and reminding her that it’s my life and she gets a voice, but not a vote. And she’s fine with that, and I know that, so it’s not hard for me to say. But that’s a relationship that we’ve had years to work on, and some families never get there. Seems like it would take time to develop that kind of trust and comfort level between adoptive and first parents – which doesn’t mean it’s not worth making a real effort to do, just that I’m somewhat sympathetic with folks across the triad who struggle to get there.
(Disclaimer: I’m not a parent of any kind, nor an adoptee, so if I’m totally missing the point feel free to tell me why. But occasionally I think I gain some perspective by being ‘outside’, so I thought I’d toss this out there.)
By: Sarah on August 6, 2009
at 5:40 pm
you are SO right. I don’t hesitate to brainstorm parenting ideas with my friends or my sister for their kids but when Kidlet’s mom talks to me about challenges she has with him and I bite my tongue (sometimes literally) rather than offer advice/suggestions. I dont want her to think I doubt her ability to parent. I dont want to overstep.
She and i are both in the social services, we both work with challenging kids. I’ve seen her talk parenting strategies with friends when i’ve been there on visits. I know she’s open to ideas from others. I even sometimes think she wouldn’t bring these challenges up if she didn’t want me to respond…but still I dont.
By: therapyisexpensive on August 6, 2009
at 7:14 pm
First I have been sadly absent from your blog
…much momma dramma…will tell later…all is well, no one has lost any limbs or anything. Thus…we are in August and no play date set, but I have ideas… and I will privately email them 
BUT…wow, this post really nails it!!!!! Really. Wow. This is when… pardon the term. I feel like I’m on the “evil” (read: writer writing with writer brain…evil) spectrum of things. But I totally see what you are saying. Then I have to do a dance around roles and see how I feel. If my kiddo’s first parents where to give parenting advice, I might seriously cringe, but if you were to give parenting advice, I’d eat it right up and you have given me parenting advice and I have eaten it up.
So…then what if you, where my kid’s first parent…well first I think that might kill me, cause I would equally want me to raise the child and you…cause I adore you. But I guess if that situation was real (and I really hate thinking about it) I would absolutely and totally want parenting advice, if I asked for it (or if you felt I needed it) cause I love you and know you love our child and if the occasion came up…who better to ask. Is it co-parenting??? “no”, is it loving people who are lifelong members of my child’s tribe chiming in to make our child’s life better. And yet, I don’t feel I can say that about my own children’s first parents, however you are vastly different.
By: museandthemoon on August 6, 2009
at 10:11 pm
Lorie – I would COMPLETELY understand why your Kiddos first parents shouldn’t be giving you parenting advice (I’m sorry if that sounds bad to someone reading, but I’m pretty aware of Lorie’s specific situation). For me, this is more in open adoptions where children were placed voluntarily and where we don’t fit the stereotypes.
I think that our specific relationship is actually a great example! When I’m with you and your kids, or the other Momma’s and their kids, I don’t “parent” them, but if they’re with me and we’re crossing a street I make what could be considered a “parental decision” and make them hold my hand. Am I co-parenting? Not in the least!
And if y’all ask for advice? I’ll give it, take it or not! But if you DO take it, it doesn’t threaten your parenting of your kids – and I don’t think it would if I were their bio mom or not.
Now email me cause I miss you guys!
By: thanksgivingmom on August 10, 2009
at 7:53 am
Hmmmm….Interesting! I think that, as you suggest, there is a huge difference between solicited and unsolicited advice. For example, I get very prickly when my mom gives me unsolicited advice (as she often does), and I realize its because – rightly or wrongly – I interpret it as criticism. On the other hand, there are occasions when she is the first person I go to to ask for advice, and then I really appreciate – and usually follow – it.
I wonder if many adoptive parents don’t ask birth parents for advice because they fear it will expose a vulnerability, and its in the area they most want the birth parents to believe they are competent and confident. So maybe for some its not so much a fear of co-parenting, but a fear of letting their birth parents down in some way???
By: Kristin on August 7, 2009
at 8:47 am
I think Sarah has some EXCELLENT points. I am not able to compare it to an open adoption situation (China adoption), but I do feel similar to how Sarah described it when I receive advice from my in-laws. Heh.
By: Tonggu Momma on August 9, 2009
at 6:55 pm
As an adoptee who grew up in a “semi open” adoption- I read your post with great interest and I thought I’d share my experience and thoughts on the issue (since it seems most people here who posted are parents- first or adoptive)
I think the point that someone made about the potential “awkwardness” of having a first parent give advice that the adoptive parent wasn’t fond of and didn’t want to implement is a good one. It’s much easier to ignore well intentioned strangers than to not listen to a first parent who is going to see firsthand that their advice is not being heeded.
As an adoptee, who has a good relationship with my firstparents, I must admit that I would not have liked it if I had grown up seeing firstparents advising my parents on decisions about my care. When I was placed for adoption, I changed my name, I joined a new family, I was given a multitude of opportunities, fiscal and emotional, that I most likely would not have received had I remained in my family of origin.
However- with those gains comes a loss. I was, in essence, disjointed from my biological heritage. A kink in the genealogical chain, my entire firstfamily (extended family included) agreed to my adoption and thus my removal from their family. I was not , for whatever reason, fully embraced into the family in which I was born.There is a loss in my life, as an adopted person, that few , in this modern age, will deny. It is a loss that I, as the child, was given no choice over. I have grown up with the knowledge of my adoption, and I have worked around that small hole in my life- but it has not always been easy. I accept and acknowledge my placement as positive and negative.
If my firstparents had consistently or even occasionally attempted to advise my parents about parental decisions on my behalf- what would that say to me, as an adoptee? Whether it be in regards to my education, my discipline, or something as silly as a haircut- what message would I interpret?
I gave up my family of origin so that they could continue life as they had planned. I was not unwanted, abandoned, or unloved- but I was consciously cast out of my first family. Because my family was, in their opinion, not ready for me-I was placed in a semi-open adoption.
My firstfamily could not parent me, could not accept me, at the time of my birth. They placed me for adoption because of their unpreparedness. If weeks or months or even years later- they did feel prepared to parent- and had attempted to advise my family on how to best raise me- I would have been offended. The idea upsets me now. I accept my adoption, even though it hurts me. I accept that my first mom and dad are no longer my parents. That’s a choice they made. In my opinion, in regards to my own situation, they simply cannot have their cake and eat it too. They had a chance to parent me, they decided not to. They love me and I love them, they support me and talk with me and visit. I ask their advice sometimes about issues in my own life. They have a place in my life, an important place. But I don’t feel that their place is to advise my parents on how to raise me.
Growing up I had a lot of openness-communication, photos, visits, vacations, phone calls, and everything in between between. My knowledge of my firstfamily, and my direct communication with them, has been invaluable to me through the years, if not always easy. I love my firstparents and we keep in touch to this day. But I stand firm that my firstfamily gave me to my parents, and with that the opportunity to make for me parental decisions, however insignificant.
I bet some adoptees would disagree with me, and I suspect you will as well. This is merely how I feel, in regards to my own life and situation. Just another voice.
By: Amanda on August 10, 2009
at 4:58 am
Wanted to just add that day to day advice, when it’s asked for and isn’t obnoxious (thinking about my brother’s mother in law) is not co parenting and shouldn’t be considered as such.
If adoptive parents are expecting firstmothers and fathers to simply shut up and never voice opinions or give benign advice in regards to the child’s well being- that’s ridiculous. If parents are purposefully ignoring a firstmother or firstfather’s advice, simply because of their “status” as the child’s firstparents- then that to me seems more like an in issue of control. Attempting to keep firstparents in a submissive state in an open adoption, where the adoptive parents have all the control and remind the firstparents of that often- is not right.
My original comment still holds true- but I re read your post and realized that we may be talking about two different things.
By: Amanda on August 10, 2009
at 6:43 am
Amanda – MUCH of your second post rings true to my experience…not just in MY OA, but in the open adoptions of those around me.
I would never dream of trying to make parental decisions for Cupcake, or giving her Mom day to day advice….and I understand that’s not my role. It’s almost more about the theoretical asking of questions than taking my advice (if that makes any sense).
It just always seems to be the argument that adoption can’t be co-parenting BECAUSE aparents SHOULD make all the decisions and the fear is that someone else is intruding on that right.
My problems with that is that (a) giving advice or just discussing parenting decisions is NOT co-parenting by any stretch of the imagination, and that (b) aparents engage in this behavior constantly with other people – their family, friends, internet acquaintances, etc. – and that doesn’t threaten anything.
By: thanksgivingmom on August 10, 2009
at 7:48 am
Sadly, I have no problem believing that what you say is absolutely 100% true (in reference to your experience being similar to what I posted.)
In my opinion, it all stems back to insecurity and the idea that an adopted child having 2 mother’s (or fathers) makes both of them “less”- as if the child was butter spread onto two slices of bread – each bread mother gets “less.”
It’s a threatening concept, if you look at it with unbiased eyes. The problem with adoption, in my opinion, is that society wants it to be “just like” raising biological children. In many ways it is, certainly in practice. On a day to day basis, my mom did many of the same things raising me as she did my brother (my parents biological child.)
The presence of the firstparents shakes up that idea of the “nuclear family”, the idea that the adopted child is the same as the biological child. The idea that once those papers are signed the new family can go on about there business, and bury their child’s past.
How many couples 20 years ago would still have tried and adopt if the agencies told them that they’d be “adopting” the firstmother and firstfather too- that they would remain apart of the child’s life, that they were important.? What about the extended “first family?”- do they matter?
I know my parents wouldn’t have.
The sooner we abandon the misconception that a baby’s biology, history, and birthfamily disappear the moment he goes home with his new family- the better.
In the end, open adoptions only last so long. 18 years is the norm. One the “child” becomes an adult- he or she chooses how much contact to have. In the end, the child is the one who ultimately decides how he views and categorizes his family. I am curious about what the children of today’s open adoptions will say 15 years from now. I hope it’s better than what adoptees from my era, and from older times, are saying.
I’m sorry my description from earlier reflects on your own OA situation. To me, that has nothing to do with parenting and a lot to do with insecurity & control. Once parents start considering their feelings and wellbeing, and not the child’s, problems arise and they certainly are painful.
I’m really not sure how I feel about open adoptions. I’m reading blogs like your’s in an attempt to educate myself, and to try and overcome my own biases. It’s hard sometimes, to see the world from a different lens than your own.
By: Amanda on August 10, 2009
at 8:13 am
Amanda, Thank you SO MUCH for your comments – I really, really appreciate them. You hit on so much here that I agree with, identify with, and relate to. As a first Mom, I’m not really “allowed” to talk about insecurity…because when I say it, it sounds like an accusation. And that’s not how I mean it – hell, I’m insecure sometimes! Aren’t we all?? (I actually wrote about insecurity forever and a day ago on the blog…http://thanksgivingmom.wordpress.com/2008/04/11/insecure-me-never/)
But again, thanks for your insight! I think it’s really great!
By: thanksgivingmom on August 10, 2009
at 10:24 am
Amanda your insight is amazing
By: aggie on August 12, 2009
at 2:40 am
I don’t know what’s so horrible about coparenting anyway. I coparent–with my husband–and it works out fine.
(Where is a winking smilie?)
Anyway. Had to laugh at this post because you are SO RIGHT, and I’ve never since this angle of it addressed before.
But maybe someday we could try dismantling the notion that even real coparenting is somehow inherently evil. Because I’m not sure there’s any proof of that.
By: paragraphein on August 14, 2009
at 10:01 am
I like where you’re going with this
By: thanksgivingmom on August 14, 2009
at 10:16 am