Last week I was on vacation with Ram. It was a week of ups and downs, from vomit and hives to sunbathing and bowling. It was full of family time as my brother, sis-in-law, two nephews, neice, sister, and I crammed into a condo and lived with each other. The good, the bad, and the ugly (as the seven year old learned how to cop an attitude on about day four…..)

One day, as we flipped through the channels for the thousandth time as we took our daily afternoon break from the sweltering desert sun, I stalled subconsciously for a moment on the reunion episode of MTV’s “16 and Pregnant.”

I’d caught episodes here and there, but couldn’t bring myself to watch “the” episode. You know, the hyped-up-season-finale-will-they-or-won’t-they-place-their-baby-for-adoption episode. I just couldn’t. I know folks that did….I heard about the way the SW asked the parents how long it was going to be before they’d let the aparents see the baby…..after only five hours with her. I heard about how the (now birth) parents families were far less mature than they were. I’ve heard good reviews and bad reviews, but I’m not quite ready to do much more than that.

Yet here I was, stalling on the reunion show. As I looked at the couple sitting on the couch talking to Dr. Drew, I knew this must be the “adoption couple” before it was even mentioned. The tears in the boys eyes, the lack of a bubbly baby in the girls lap – and my heart broke. I quickly fiddled with the remote trying to change the channel when Ram said, “Wait, go back.”

More interested in Dr. Drew at first (ah yes, we members of the Love Line generation!) he quickly caught on to what was going on. Dr. Drew asked if they’d like to see the baby for the first time since placement since the family was there. They excitedly said that they would, and the parents appeared, baby girl in hand.

“Oh, that’s just wrong,” were the first words that escaped my brothers mouth.

A sucker for punishment I asked, “What is?”

And he said, “This being on TV and stuff…I mean, how messed up is that?”

Relieved to think that my brother was much more forward thinking that I would have expected, he followed up with, “What – do they have one of those adoptions – what are they called? Where the kids see the real parents and stuff?”

And back to being a moron.

But he was seriously just asking what he thought was an innocent question. He didn’t harbor ill feelings towards the adoptive parents, he didn’t think they weren’t real, he just truly didn’t have the vocabulary and experience to talk about adoption in an educated way – because he’s not educated. And as much as I may not like that, it’s okay.

Though it was at this point that I felt the need to answer, all the while remembering to do so without my first Mom hat on….a tricky line to walk. I told him I didn’t know what the adoptions were called, but that the adoptive parents were still real parents. He said, “Yeah, but doesn’t that make them like babysitters? I mean, can’t the other Mom come back and try to get the baby when she’s ready?”

I said it wasn’t like that.

He asked if she had any legal rights to the baby. When I told him she didn’t he seemed a lot better with it. He was still very concerned about how confusing it would be for the baby though….but I got the sense that had I been able to go all pro open adoption on him, that he just might have gotten in. At least he was listening, you know?

And that’s when I realized or more accurately – was reminded, it’s not people that don’t know the terminology that bug me. It’s not people that think open adoption is stupid. It’s not people that think I must be a drug addicted whore. It’s not the people that think I must be the exception to the rule. It’s the people that keep those opinions without allowing themselves the opportunity to listen – to grow – to experience something outside of what they’re used to.

I know sometimes I can feel very defensive very quickly when people make the judgements, believe the stereotypes, and use the wrong terminology – because it can hurt. Words hurt. Negative opinions hurt. But seeing my brother open to a new way of thinking about adoption? It helped me realize that getting angry doesn’t always help the hurt.

 

 

On another note – I couldn’t help but have this conversation with my brother and think, “Wow, he really has no clue, no inkling, no possible tiny little remote suspicion in his head that I’m connected to the story.” And if he doesn’t have any suspicions, I would guess that his wife doesn’t either – because while he might be a little dense, she’s not. And she gave birth two weeks after I did….And she shares everything with my brother so if she thinks it he’s at least got to have a seed planted in his head. I don’t know why I’ve always wondered if they had any suspicions, but in a world of secrecy, it’s hard to not wonder……