In April of 2008 I wrote a post about My Dream OA. This morning, I opened my email to find the newest writing prompt for the Open Adoption Roundtable. I realized that this writing prompt was something that I’d thought about, written about, and discussed in various forums. Assuming that I had changed in the past year and three months, I thought I would go and reflect on that April 17th post.

I stand by what I wrote that day, and have re-published it here as part of that Roundtable discussion. Original comments can be found on the first posting, found here.

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Growing up you imagine a lot of things: Your dream wedding, your dream house, your dream job, your dream spouse. (And no, I didn’t mean to make that into a little rhyme!) But the one thing I never pictured being asked to create would my dream Open Adoption.

And yet today, that’s where I am.

I still don’t know the answers to any of the other “dream” questions…and I certainly haven’t attained them. But this dream, that I never expected to have, is the one that I can probably construct with the most clarity, and therefore might be the one that I have the best chance at actually executing.

So I’ll answer a question that was asked of me recently, and see if I can avoid any “be careful what you wish for situations.”

If I could give you a magic wand and tell you to create the perfect OA scenario, what would it be? If you had the power to create the relationship that would work for you and Cupcake..how would it look?

I’ve got to break that down first, because it’s all to much for me to tackle in one breath.

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So, the perfect OA scenario…The first thing that I want more than anything might sound crazy to some people. Especially to people on the other end of the spectrum that are having problems with this very issue. The thing that I want most in our OA is…..drumroll please……boundaries.

Yes, that’s my greatest desire at this point. Boundaries and schedules and something to keep me from wondering when is too soon to write? When is communication appropriate? Can I send emails “just because” or is that overstepping my bounds? I’ve tried to initiate this conversation with Cupcake’s Mom, but she thinks things are just fine the way they are and that we don’t need strict guidelines.

I think I’m getting there, but for now, I’d love some clarification as to what she’d like as her perfect OA…because see? I can’t seem to just design my perfect OA…because my perfect OA is one in which I’m respecting D’s needs and her desires.

Okay, I’m going to force myself to be completely selfish now. I’m going to shake off that desire to make everyone else happy and construct MY perfect OA….which is much harder than I thought it would be as I sit here just staring at a blinking cursor daring me to come up with something profound.

1. Visits – one a season. Yep, four a year. Maybe that sounds like a lot, and maybe it doesn’t sound like enough if I’m being truly selfish. But the truth is, it takes me a whole season to come down from one visit and gear up for another one, so I’m not ready for more than that. Plus, four isn’t enough for a baby, or a toddler to really know who I am, to remember me next time, but it’s a foundation. And when that relationship is reinforced in other ways I think it would be so successful.  Oh, and one of the visits would be a big-ish visit. Maybe near a birthday? The two visits I’ve had already have been about 2 to 2 1/2 hours each – which is great, and I absolutely adore them of course, but four hours a year makes me sometimes jealous for those women that live thousands of miles away but have visits that are entire weekends long. Somehow living close isn’t really a benefit if you don’t have more visits…So I would like one visit that was a whole day event (tough with a toddler, but we could work up to that as she’s able). The rest can be lunches, park dates, and usual everyday see-what-each-other’s-life-is-like type visits.
2. Updates – In a request of crazy selfishness, I want one email a month and I want pictures in them. Cupcake changes so much, so fast, and that won’t wear off when she turns three or some ridiculous notion of which agencies seem so fond. I don’t see why an email update once a month would be very hard. I think I could probably write a little email in about ten or fifteen minutes – I’m not asking for the Illiad here, just a little something. I spend exponentially more time writing blogs, participating in online forums, and journaling about adoption, emailing friends about other things, trolling facebook, reading other people’s blogs, searching amazon.com, seeing if there are any good rates on flightes to places I’d like to go, and a million other e-ntertainment. The point is, we all spend a LOT of time on the internet and the computer already. So I would like to be enough of a priority that one of those other activities would get bumped once a month, for a few minutes. I would gladly sacrifice ten or twenty minutes of that a month to update D about my life if she would like.
3. In my dream OA I’m a presence in Cupcake’s everyday life through pictures and stories. I don’t need to be talked about every single day, that’s not what I mean. Just that even when I’m not physically present, I remain present.

Some of these things are happening now. Some of them take time and development of a relationship, but I believe in my heart they WILL happen. Some are pipe dreams that I have no clue about. Some of these wishes may change and develop and evolve, and I’m sure there are things that I’m forgetting about, but for now, these seem pretty good.  

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What would a relationship with Cupcake look like? Well right now she’s just this amazing little toddler, so I think our current relationship is just about right. But in the future? Sure I have dreams for us…

I want her to know that I love her. I don’t want to be her Mom. I want her to know that she can come to me when she has questions, and that her Mom and I will be a united front in that. I dream of us eventually developing a relationship seperate from the one that the three of us will have as a unit. I don’t want to cut her Mom out – absolutely not. But at some point I would like to develop that relationship independent of the other. I would never disrespect her Mom or exclude her in any way, so please don’t misunderstand.

I feel like there is no word for the relationship I want us to have. I won’t be her Mom but I don’t think “friend” is right either. I’m not an aunt or a family friend. Without the language I’m not sure how to describe the relationship. I’m her firstmom. I’ll be there for her and support her and love her. Like a firstmom.

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This all reminds me of a thread on some forums a while back…we were given free reign to say what our dream OA’s would be…for the most part we said that in our dream OA’s promises wouldn’t get broken. That emails would be responded to in a timely manner. It was pathetic. We were given this chance to let our wildest dreams develop and we couldn’t get past asking for the bare minimum. Some people got crazy I think, and said that in their dream OA, that OA would be legally enforceable. All we wanted was for promises to be kept and committments upheld. That should say something.

I didn’t let myself dream back then, so I am now.

I realize this might seem like too much. That I’m asking too much. But I was given a magic wand darn it, and I’m going to get crazy with it!