We all knew it was going to happen eventually. My “secret” life and my “public” life were going to come head to head and I would have to find a way to navigate the both of them as seamlessly as possible. It seems like I’m living a trial by fire as my first task is to find a way to choose between the two of them.
I have a visit with Cupcake scheduled for this Saturday. I’ve been trying to get this visit on the books for months, and I’ve been dealing with extreme guilt for not getting as excited as I usually do as it approaches so quickly. Of course I want to see my daughter, I want to snap up a million pictures of her and hug her and hear her talk and give her the gifts I’ve got sitting in my closet, and I know it will be an amazing time.
But then I’m torn back to my family.
While Pops’ tumor is gone, the only way to prevent the cancer from coming back is surgery. We hoped this wouldn’t be necessary, but it is. He’ll have a surgery on Wednesday to see if further surgery is even possible (due to a previous ruptured aortic aneurism there may be too much scar tissue in the area already) and then the big surgery on Friday.
I’ve taken off work on Thursday to visit him in between surgeries. Due to everyone else’s schedules I can’t take Friday off to be with my family. I’m already heartbroken that I won’t be in the hospital with them. I know that there’s nothing that I can do by being there, but I’ve never missed something like this and can’t imagine not being there now.
And so the assumption is that I will stay near the ICU Saturday during the first day of what we pray will be his final recovery. That I will sit with my Mom and be there for her. That I will visit with my grandmother, distracting her from what is going on. That even if I’m not in the hospital, I’ll always be just a phone call away. That I’ll drop anything and everything to get there.
And all of these assumptions stand between me and my daughter.
I need to see her.
I need to be there for my family.
I need to show Dee and Cupcake that I won’t ever cancel.
I need to show my family that I want to be there with them.
I need to be committed to my OA.
I need to be committed to my family.
And for the first time, I don’t know how to do both at the same time. I can’t be in two places at once. I can’t rectify these feelings of joy that I have surrounding Cupcake with the feelings of complete fear surrounding Pops. I don’t know how to joyfully snap pictures of my perfect little girl while I’m worried about my grandfather.
I hope I figure it out quickly. I need them both, and I hope that they both need me.
((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
First off- this “I need to show Dee and Cupcake that I won’t ever cancel.”
Where did you get that idea? Life happens… family happens… people don’t get sick on everyone elses schedule.
Showing D and Cupcake this: ”
We all knew it was going to happen eventually. My “secret” life and my “public” life were going to come head to head and I would have to find a way to navigate the both of them as seamlessly as possible. It seems like I’m living a trial by fire as my first task is to find a way to choose between the two of them.
I have a visit with Cupcake scheduled for this Saturday. I’ve been trying to get this visit on the books for months, and I’ve been dealing with extreme guilt for not getting as excited as I usually do as it approaches so quickly. Of course I want to see my daughter, I want to snap up a million pictures of her and hug her and hear her talk and give her the gifts I’ve got sitting in my closet, and I know it will be an amazing time.
But then I’m torn back to my family.
While Pops’ tumor is gone, the only way to prevent the cancer from coming back is surgery. We hoped this wouldn’t be necessary, but it is. He’ll have a surgery on Wednesday to see if further surgery is even possible (due to a previous ruptured aortic aneurism there may be too much scar tissue in the area already) and then the big surgery on Friday.
I’ve taken off work on Thursday to visit him in between surgeries. Due to everyone else’s schedules I can’t take Friday off to be with my family. I’m already heartbroken that I won’t be in the hospital with them. I know that there’s nothing that I can do by being there, but I’ve never missed something like this and can’t imagine not being there now.
And so the assumption is that I will stay near the ICU Saturday during the first day of what we pray will be his final recovery. That I will sit with my Mom and be there for her. That I will visit with my grandmother, distracting her from what is going on. That even if I’m not in the hospital, I’ll always be just a phone call away. That I’ll drop anything and everything to get there.
And all of these assumptions stand between me and my daughter.
I need to see her.
I need to be there for my family.
I need to show Dee and Cupcake that I won’t ever cancel.
I need to show my family that I want to be there with them.” also shows them that you would be there for them… they are family too.
“Being committed to OA” does not mean that you have to be super human or ignore the other side of your life.
I forget…. are they traveling far to meet you? Can you split the day somehow? Morning at the hospital, lunch and afternoon with D and Cupcake and evening back at the hospital?
It’s tough… but don’t beat yourself up about it. IT WILL work out.
(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))
By: andy on May 11, 2009
at 1:30 pm
ooops.. didn’t mean to quote the whole thing!
By: andy on May 11, 2009
at 1:31 pm
Wow, that is a tough spot to be in. If everything was out in the open with your family, which do you think you would choose?
For what it’s worth, I would completely understand rescheduling a visit over something like this. It wouldn’t seem like you were being flaky or something.
By: Heather on May 11, 2009
at 1:55 pm
Thanks Andy – and I don’t know where I got the idea that I can’t cancel, I just feel like this early in the relationship especially I shouldn’t….
I’m not going to PLAN on cancelling for now, but if something goes wrong Friday I’ll have to.
Heather – if everything was open….I think I’d go to the visit, because I think that’s what Mom would want and what Pops would want. But it would make all the difference in the world to go into the visit with their blessing, know what I mean?
By: thanksgivingmom on May 11, 2009
at 3:03 pm
My son’s birthmom has had to cancel and/or reschedule before. Naturally, it is disappointing for me when I don’t get to see her. My son is old enough that it is disappointing now for him, too. But we never blame her or hold it against her. We just let her know that we will be here as soon as she can reschedule.
Life happens. Do what feels right to you. Just don’t think that you’re going to be seen as flaky if you choose to be there for Pops. I’m guessing that Dee would absolutely understand.
Either way, good luck. I hope that everything goes well for Pops.
By: Katie on May 11, 2009
at 4:22 pm
You know Katie, Dee WOULD understand. I think I’ve always known that….(my bigger concern is rescheduling in a timely manner! haha)
I guess – it’s just that I’m SO tired of the stereotypes of first parents being flaky. Wanting to see their kids when it’s “convenient” for them. Not wanting the responsibility of parenting but wanting the “perks” of visits, etc. I suppose my REAL fear that is that it’s things like this that back up those stereotypes – whether it’s valid or not (and I do think that this reason for missing a visit WOULD be valid).
I know it’s not my sole responsibility to knock down stereotypes and show folks what open adoption CAN be and what first Mothers often ARE, but I can’t shed the feeling that I am at least somewhat responsible.
It may not even be logical, but I know that deep down that’s part of what’s keeping me so focused on following through.
By: thanksgivingmom on May 11, 2009
at 4:28 pm
Oh, TG, I’m sorry you’re in this position, but as an aparent, my thoughts are this: Dee and Cupcake will be there, even if it takes awhile to reschedule…Pops may not and you’d feel awful if something happened and you hadn’t been there. When explaining to Dee, you might add that you also really feel a need to see CC and hope you can reschedule SOON. Perhaps you can even do your talking on the phone(?) so that plans can be made on the spot??
By: mama2roo on May 11, 2009
at 5:30 pm
OH, and flaky would be skipping out on the visit and NOT calling nd making other plans, NOT having a family emergency
((((TG))))
By: mama2roo on May 11, 2009
at 5:33 pm
I think you should consider going ahead with your visit. If you were the parent in charge of her life you would place her first, right?
If your family does not know about her even more reason to place her first, she is your future. If there is an emergency you can get back to the hospital in due time.
That is why God invented cell phones.
By: angelle2 on May 11, 2009
at 5:55 pm
I would urge you to tell Dee what is going on, to see if it would be easy to reschedule (how about Sunday?), and to demonstrate to her that you are keeping the lines of communication open. Then if you have to cancel on Friday (G*d forbid something is not going well with your Pops….), she has been in the loop….
And you are not being irresponsible or flaky. Just the opposite.
Take care, and we will all be pulling for your Pops.
By: deb on May 11, 2009
at 5:56 pm
OK, I’m back. Since Dee is one of the few parties who knows everything (i.e. she obviously knows that you have a family and also about the adoption), I think you should explain the situation to her as soon as you can and suggest some alternate dates. Trust what so many of us have commented–you will NOT be confirming any sort of stereotype. And from what you wrote, it (understandably) sounds like it would be hard to be fully present with Cupcake and Dee on Saturday, knowing your family was at the hospital. Better to do the visit when you can truly enjoy it.
Whatever you decide, I hope you have a sense of peace about it. And I’m sending out good vibes for your Pops. ((hug))
By: Heather on May 11, 2009
at 9:42 pm
tell Dee your dilemma and then tell her when you could reschedule.
ie:
“Hi Dee, I just found out that my pops is having surgery on Thurs, his first day in ICU is Sat. I know we have a visit but I really feel I need to be close to my family while hes still in the woods. Do you think we could reschedule for (insert close date here)? If you think that it would upset Cupcake to reschedule I absolutely understand and we can hang anyway, but I”d have to leave early if heaven forbid something happened, and I”d really want Cupcake to have some quality, undivided TG time and I’m afraid of disappointing if I had to leave early.”
Edit as you wish. I think that a rescheduled visit is way better than a shortened visit or visit when your mind is not fully on enjoying Cupcake and Dee and being fully present in the moment. ANd if she has a problem with you rescheduling because of your ill grandfather, there are more bigger problems here that need to be addressed!
(((HUGS)))
By: Brown on May 12, 2009
at 3:42 am
“More bigger”
The English major in me is cringing! Pardon my poor grammar, I have yet to have my coffee
By: Brown on May 12, 2009
at 3:43 am
I know that feeling of never wanting to say “no” to a visit date or time. I know that feeling of always sensing some magic measuring stick being placed up against you and what you do vs. what a “good” first mom would do.
That being said, if this was your distant Great-Aunt Zelda who you’d spoken to maybe a handful of times in the past year, I wouldn’t hesitate to say go to the visit, and just be accessible in case someone needed to reach you.
However, in this case, I can sense that the relationship with Pops means as much as any relationship in your life. I don’t want to tell you what you should do, because that’s up to you and I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer.
However, if it was me, I would ask myself – will I be able to really enjoy the visit if I am not there at the hospital on Saturday?
If the answer is no, then I would call Dee, explain the situation (hello, it is major surgery being performed on your Pops, you’re not skipping out to go shopping), and give her the option of two dates that work for you as possible reschedules. I’d even have two alternate dates in case she says neither of your first choices work for her.
I’m sure if you need to reschedule she will understand, and Cupcake may be disappointed, but she’s a toddler. They have limited attention spans.
I swear you will not be scarring her for life or even for the day.
I know this situation is hard. I’m thinking of you and I’m here no matter what you choose.
By: Coco on May 12, 2009
at 7:42 am
Thank you all so much!
I swear – I go back and forth on this so much…..
I talked to Mom and she said I don’t need to be at the hospital Saturday….I’ll head out Friday after work and stay there as late as I can and stop by Saturday morning. Come back Sunday. Great. Perfect.
Then last night I hear that the surgery isn’t really the “high-risk” part of this, it’s the days after.
And honestly, if something happens to him and I’m not there……if I get the call and I can’t make it in time……I really don’t know what I’d do.
I’ll make a decision today so I can let Dee know (hopefully it wouldn’t put TOO big a kink in the plans – considering we don’t really HAVE plans yet).
By: thanksgivingmom on May 12, 2009
at 8:10 am
Talk to Dee… for real… over a phone… and explain the situation. Perhaps she will have an option you haven’t thought of yet or maybe you can change the meeting venue to a location closer to the hospital just in case you do get a “come now” call.
Hugs.
By: Barely Sane on May 12, 2009
at 9:18 am
A family emergency is not flaky… talk to Dee. I would not in any way consider you flaky. I’d consider you mature.
By: Tonggu Momma on May 12, 2009
at 10:19 am
“I think you should consider going ahead with your visit. If you were the parent in charge of her life you would place her first, right?
If your family does not know about her even more reason to place her first, she is your future. If there is an emergency you can get back to the hospital in due time.
That is why God invented cell phones.”
Ummmm, not understanding this Angelle2. If T was raising Cupcake this would be such a NON ISSUE. So are you saying that she should blow off her family and hope for the best and that nothing happens to Pops while she is with Cupcake? NOT
T – hopefully you sent the email. Try to make near you, if possible, so that you are near by. I am hopeful that D won’t have a problem with it and will support you on this.
*Flaky is not showing up and not calling — you are neither of those.
By: lhjh4 on May 12, 2009
at 11:33 pm
[...] Say No Around the time of my last visit with Cupcake, I was dangerously close to having to cancel the visit. I was stressed out, worried, and afraid of the ramifications. In the end, things worked out. I had [...]
By: Learning to Say No « I Should Really Be Working…. on October 26, 2009
at 2:27 pm