Oh, yes, that’s me!

Now, before I give you the synopsis of my pity party, in all it’s pathetic glory, I want to say this:

I am in a GREAT fucking mood. And, unlike my usual tone – this is not sarcasm. I’m dropping the F-Bomb to accentuate WHAT a great mood I’m in. I think my pity party REALLY snapped me out of my funk.

I’m still pretty pissed that today marks the four week anniversary of an empty inbox, but you know what? Being pissed isn’t going to make that email come any faster. And logically I’ve known that all along, but darn it, I needed to grieve what was happening. 

So – how did I get to this place of *slightly* renewed optimism?

I hit rock bottom.

Work has been ridiculous, I hardly eat there, I take work home with me every night, and I wake up loathing what lies before me. So as I neared 5:00 yesterday I felt myself starting to slip away. It was clear I was going to have to stay late, despite the plans I had made to the contrary. I was calling Baby Sis to postpone our plans and my frustration at the situation was increasing at an unhealthy speed. I watched my boss leave the office, without a care in the world, while I stayed….growing bitter and resentful.

As the minutes clicked closer to 5:30, I had resigned myself to the fact that a postponement of plans wasn’t likely, and that a cancellation would be in order. I felt my throat getting tight, and the familiar strain of trying to hold in tears.

In an instant, I realized that I was miserable.

I was unhappy at work, the joy of afterwork activities was being taken from me, and yes, that inbox was still empty.

I maintained my composure as I ushered my volunteers out of the office, turned off the lights, and set the alarm. I waited as they left the parking lot, my car idling as I lugged our “security” chain across the vacant lot. As I secured the padlock, the tears finally released. Nearly collapsing in the alley, I said out loud, “I’m so unhappy.”

I got in the car, and between heavy breaths I called Baby Sis. We were trying to have dinner before she had a work function, and now the window of opportunity was nearly shut. She could sense my desperation and said we’d rush dinner and make it work. At the table, she ordered me an oversized cocktail and ushered the straw to my mouth instructing me, “DRINK.”

After a goldfish bowl sized “lemonade” and the first warm food I’d tasted in days, I was on the road to recovery. But the bitterness and resentment remained.

I don’t know what changed that.

Maybe a good nights sleep? Maybe the humorous stylings of a co-worker this morning? Maybe the fact that I walked into my office with an “I-don’t-give-a-fuck” attitude?

I don’t know what it was……but here’s what I do know:

I only checked my email about five times today. FIVE. Without exaggerating, I’m guessing that the past few days I had literally checked my email at least one hundred times a day. ONE HUNDRED. So today I was disappointed five times. Yesterday? I was disappointed one hundred times!!!!

I ate lunch today. And not hunched over at my desk. Out, at a restaurant, sitting down, without checking my watch a hundred times.

I saw the light at the end of the tunnel when I made some rough vacation plans – sure they’re in the fall, but they’re with my brothers and the Patriot and they involve football games – and those are some of my favorite things.  

I was just ME today. I was more ME than I’ve been in a while. I could feel myself slipping away and hiding being this girl with a frown on her brow and a cynical look in her eye. I didn’t like that girl, and her presence only perpetuated the cycle.

But today it’s different.

And I just don’t care anymore. And not in the bad way – in a way that’s freeing. I will do my job to the best of my ability, I will hit my goals and deadlines, and I will believe in what I was doing. But I no longer care about the people I am doing these things for or the people I’m doing them with. Because they don’t care about me. They don’t show me respect and they don’t appreciate it. So I’ll do it for the big picture, but I’m worth more than what they think I am. And I needed to be reminded of that.