I always feel I need to put a disclaimer before I talk about things I myself didn’t experience in my adoption journey. SO, I did not go through the matching process. My DD was matched with a woman after her birth and I didn’t have any say in who that was going to be. That’s just how it worked for me, so if I say something out of line or wrong about the process, I’m very sorry, and please feel free to comment and let me know.

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Okay, so here’s the thing I don’t get about “Matching.”

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Both people (sides) have a say right?

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I mean, if I’m an expectant Mother and I’m going through profiles and I say, “Yes! That’s the couple – they seem perfect” then we’re “matched.” But we can still meet, talk on the phone, etc. yes?

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**Here’s where I get confused**

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If I, as an expectant Mother, saw some serious red flags that I didn’t notice or didn’t pick up on through their profiles, I would hope that I would have the courage to question it and re-evaluate my decision to match. Of course, every possible outcome can’t be forseen, but if there was something that really bothered me I could un-match or something, right? I don’t HAVE to place my child with these parents.  

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I certainly wouldn’t match if we had different hopes and expectations when it came to adoption. I wouldn’t match if we didn’t have similar understandings of what “openness” or “contact” would mean for us. For instance, say the profile said, “Very interested in having an open adoption.” We meet, and emom says, “I’m really interested in an open adoption too! What are your thoughts?” Pamom said, “Great! We were thinking pictures every three months for the first three years, then a letter and an update once a year til our baby is ten, then we’ll let our little guy or gal decide from there!” Emom thinks, Whoa, I was looking for an actual open adoption, like visits and interaction, etc. Maybe this isn’t the match for me. And all that referring to my baby as theirs already, that kinda sucks. THEN emom goes back to agency and says, I don’t know, I wasn’t really feeling them after all. Or something like that, I’m no screenplay author (evidently). 

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Likewise, I would think that if expectant adoptive parents didn’t feel compatible with the expectant Mother, they are not locked into accepting the match. Right? I’ve heard of aparents that turned down matches due to drug exposure, FAS, etc. I think it’s completely within the right of an Expectant Adoptive Parent to accept situations that are within their ability to uphold all expectations. (WARNING: Another poorly written scene coming! I’ll keep it very brief) Emom says, “I’m thinking I should live with you guys for like the first two weeks, just so I can make sure the baby’s okay and stuff.” Amom thinks, Whoa, that is not cool, we need time to bond and become a family. That might be really awkward and just isn’t what we’re looking for….I don’t know what to do! Amom SHOULD say, “That’s not the relationship that we’re looking to have with our future child’s birthmom. Maybe this isn’t the best fit for all of us.” Right? Either to emom or to the agency directly. 

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If eparents seem reckless and demanding before placement, why wouldn’t they be afterwards. If you’re blindsided by behaviors that could not have been foreseeable of course you can’t be responsible! But if it was part of the discussion, and then the agreement, how can we go on acting surprised? And worse, how can we then punish the now birthparents for being exactly the people they were before. The people they said they were going to be? 

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If an expectant mother has crazy high expectations for openness, that they have no intention of meeting, why would an aparent match with her? I feel like I hear sometimes about adoptions where there were fundamental differences from before the child was even born that lead to more significant problems when the baby is born and subsequently placed in a situation that was born from half-truths or compromises.  

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I’m not saying all expectant mothers completely have their act together. I’m not saying that we’re all the most stable individuals in the world. I’m also NOT saying that this is necessarily done intentionally. It’s just that when entering into an adoption, especially an open adoption, you need to be prepared to some extent for what you’re getting yourself into. I would love to see more people stick to their guns about what they want from the adoption and what expectations they can realistically live up to. 

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Please, if you are a paparent, and you see what will be a very red flag for you in an open adoption, use your right to not match with that person!