by my seven year old nephew

The following conversation is between me and my nephew “Beans” on the way home from Karate.

Beans: TG, if you could have a pet, what kind of pet would it be?

TG: Hmm….right now? Probably a kitty.

Beans: Why?

TG: Because they take less time than a puppy….I wouldn’t have to walk her and she wouldn’t be as lonely when I went to work.

Beans: That sounds good.

Five minutes later…

Beans: TG, why don’t you have a husband?

TG: Well, I suppose because I haven’t found anyone that would like to marry me that I would also like to marry.

Beans: Well, I think you should get a husband.

TG: Oh yeah? How do you suppose I should do that.

Beans: Well, first you should go to the store.

TG: You mean like to buy a husband????

Beans: No! That would be silly! You go to the store to see what kind of boys there are. You can talk to them and see what you like. Then you should take pictures of them so that you can go through them later. And you should put the pictures up on….what’s that place Mommy goes?

TG: Facebook?

Beans: Yeah! Facebook! Then you can share the pictures of the boys that you liked with your friends and then you can pick one to be your husband! But he has to like you too, so you might need to go with the runner up.

TG: I’m not sure Long Board is gonna like that though.

Beans: Well we don’t have to tell him!

TG: Okay.

Five minutes later….

Beans: TG?

TG: Yeah buddy?

Beans: I was just thinking….what if the guy you chose doesn’t like kitties? Or is allergic or something? And then you couldn’t get one?

TG: I don’t know…

Beans: I know. Wait until it’s late at night, and your husband falls asleep. Then sneak out of bed and get dressed and go to the pet store. Get your kitty, bring her home, and just keep her on your side of the bed in a little box. Then, when your husband goes to work you can play with her. He’ll never have to find out!

TG: (laughing of course) That’s a good idea Beans.

Half an hour later at the dinner table

Beans: I got it!

TG: Got what?

Beans: What to do if the boy you choose doesn’t like kitties!! You pick TWO boys, and if the first one doesn’t like kitties, maybe the second one will!

Beans’ Dad (Ram): Dude, she’s having a hard enough time finding one guy that might want to marry her – you really think she should be looking for TWO, at least one of which likes kitties?

Thank you big brother.

 

 

And THAT is how you find a husband, according to my seven year old nephew!

I’ve made it twenty-seven years without being a very jealous person.

Of course, it’s only natural that I’ve had the temporary jealous pangs. From the minor, “Oooh, I wish I had gotten that for Christmas!” to the more major, “Dang it is hard to watch Cupcake call someone else Mom.” But they’re usually understood quickly, and I move on my less-than-hysterically-jealous path.

Until today.

When Long Board not so eloquently told me about a potential new living situation.

The plan had been for him to get a new (bigger and better) room in his current house with his current roommates. But – good news! – some cheaper, closer, better grad student housing just opened up!

As a supportive girlfriend, I, of course, am completely on board with this new plan!

One hundred percent!

Until I find out that the roommate would be a fellow grad student, that’s very outdoorsy, training to be a cyclist at the Olympics (and for the record LB loves cycling and is borderline obsessed with the Olympics – like me), does research on the East coast in the place where he’s from, and according to him, “they clicked.”

Oh, and she’s a she.

And I’m less than thrilled. For the record, I have absolutely NO reason to doubt him, no reason to not trust him, and really no reason to have any problem with this new plan. It’s closer to his school (and to me actually), it’s cheaper, it’s better – and me having a problem with it? Would not be cool.

And some of you might be thinking, Wait a minute TG….if I recall correctly…….So let me just stop you there.

Yes, I’m a giant hypocrite. 

Yes, I spent the last year living in an apartment with a guy that looks like a Ken doll.

Yes, Long Board met me and began dating me while I was living there and never had a single problem with it. Or at least that I knew of.

But there you have it.

If jealousy is something that is borne out of having real feelings for someone? Well, I’m not sure I like that part of this journey! Not one bit!

I’m sure this will all blow over pretty soon – on my end, not on his; I’m pretty sure he’s moving in with this chick – but for today? I just don’t like it and I’m gonna feel sorry for myself for a little bit.

And then I’m going to teach him that of all the things you can say about a potential new female roommate, you never tell your girlfriend that you really “click.” I think he just needs a little vocabulary lesson…..

First off, let me admit this:

I’ve been crazy nervous about participating in this book tour….yet when I saw that it was available I signed up without really thinking about it. It was the little shove that I needed to actually sit down and read the book. If you consider yourself a part of the adoption community in any way, there’s little chance you haven’t heard of this book. Heck, even if you haven’t read it, you probably have an opinion of it! I realized that I did have an opinion of it – born from what I heard others say. From what others thought. So I was glad to join the book tour, read the book, and formulate my own thoughts.

And here are some of them.

• As a birthmother I was drawn to Chapter 10 and the discussion of the ‘Cardinal Rules for Adoptive Parents.’ I think if my role had been reversed and I was an adoptive mother, as much as my former birthmother self would like to be recognized, I do not think that I would consciously do this. I would be honest with questions about the birthmother and compassionate, but in my mother role I would try to emmulate everything that a good mother is for her child….and this would not be taking anyones place. I am his mother.   I would ask both adoptive mothers and birthmothers what their thoughts are on this.

Also a first Mom, I was also drawn to the Cardinal Rules for Adoptive Parents. However, I had a very different experience when reading this portion of the text. Perhaps it’s because I’m too close to placement to ever consider my “former birthmother self.” At this point, I can’t conceive of a day when that won’t be a very integral part of who I am, no matter how my “Mother” status may evolve.

I’ve always had a fear, since a fairly young age, that I wouldn’t be able to have children. When I was in college, and conceived my daughter, I found out that this wasn’t true. For the time being at least. But it’s always lead me to think about roads that I might take to Motherhood. I’ve taken one path that’s led me to (first)Motherhood, and sometimes the old fears sneak back….perhaps I’ll have secondary infertility and won’t conceive a child that I’ll parent. Then what?

Could I adopt a child?

And I don’t know. Because unlike the author of this question, I don’t think I can take off the first Mom hat enough to be the sort of adoptive Mother than can just BE Mom without constantly thinking about my child’s other Mother. I’m not sure I could bring myself to adopt a child that has another Mother….and if I could, I can’t imagine going much beyond a more co-parenting structure. Perhaps being a legal gaurdian as opposed to the adoptive parent. I would gladly share the title of Mother if that’s what the child chose to call me, but I’m just not sure I could put myself first as Mom, and I think to some extent that’s what adoptive parents have to do.

I’ve never been great at putting myself first, and if it hurt a person that is walking in shoes that I broke in during my first Motherhood? I’m just not sure I could do it.

This isn’t to say anything against folks that could….it’s just a road that I don’t know how to walk yet….and I’m not sure I’d ever be able to truly navigate it….

• If you had read this book as you were making your decision, how might this information have changed your decision-making process? Not necessarily the outcome (which you may or may not have regrets about) but the thoughts that went into the decision to place.

It’s funny someone would posit this question, because as I read the book I was asking myself something similar. And furthermore I was wondering what it would do to the adoptive community to have this book be required reading, not just for those considering placement, but for those considering adoption as well…..

While I know the question isn’t meant to address the outcome, I will say this: I’m not sure I could have placed my daughter after reading this book. There are so many things that I didn’t realize before I had my daughter. Not just things that I learned from this book – but things that I learned from other first parents, from adoptive parents, and most especially, from those that were adopted themselves. I truly believed that I was not important in my daughter’s life. That if she could have a better life (not just different, I believed better) that she really would never miss the idea of me. I realize how ridiculous that sounds now, but there you have it. Confession of the day.

How, back to the topic at hand….I would have gone straight to an agency. I placed in an incredibly unconventional way, and while I tried to rectify the mistakes I made, they were made. So I would run to an agency. I would pour over books of couples, and I would ask oh so many questions. I would find out what their beliefs about open adoption were. I would look for someone that shared what I believe in. I would find someone that I trusted, that I got along with, and that I believed would be an amazing parent to my child. (Not that Cupcake’s Mom is NOT those things, but I never got the chance to decide before my daughter was placed – a regret that I do have).

But more than those things – I want my daughter’s Mom to believe that the Primal Wound is a reality. No, I’m not being paid by Nancy Verrier and I’m not the spokesperson for the Primal Wound – but here is my reasoning.

IF my child feels that she has a Primal Wound – I want desperately for her to be believed.

Not having lived the life that she will as someone that was adopted, I can’t speak for her. I don’t know if everything posited in the book is 100% true. I don’t know if it’s felt by all adoptees. I don’t know that every word in that book is printed gold.

But I do know this: If there is even a chance that Cupcake might have those feelings I want to be receptive to them. I want her Mom to be receptive to them. And I want her to know, no matter what, that we believe her feelings, that we respect them, and that we will be there for her as she (we) work through them.

A recurring message throughout the book is that adoption should be in the best interest of the child and not the adults, something that I think very few people would argue against.  But should the adoptees feelings always trump everyone else’s in the triad, even when that adoptee is a grown up?

This is an idea with which I struggle the most…..

I’m being pulled in both directions – sometimes thinking “Yes! They had no say in the matter and their feelings are the most important!” and sometimes thinking, “NO! I have feelings too dang it!”

So I don’t think I can say it’s one or the other. The feelings of an adult adoptee need to be believed, respected and supported – as I stated in response to the last question.

Having said that, I think there still needs to be respect in both (all?) directions.

A dear friend said to me,

When it comes to the health and well-being of my children — any of them — their needs are my priority. That does NOT mean that I will accept abusive treatment from them, however.

And I thought, YES! That’s what I’ve been looking for. And I think that sometimes in allowing people that have been adopted to have their feelings take priority, we also sometimes allow abusive treatment in the process.

As my friend and I continued our conversation, she added:

No one should be expected to accept such treatment…..doesn’t matter who you are….none of us are born with a free pass to be an asshole, so we really shouldn’t expect others to take our shit…….just sayin’……

And before I upset anyone know this: that goes both ways, every which way, you name it. Adoptive parents, first parents, foster parents, I don’t care WHO you are parents – we all need to treat each other with respect when dealing with each other and our feelings. So I will always be sensitive to my daughters feelings (which I realize is easy to say seeing as she’s three, but I promise I will always strive to!) As the person that posed this question pointed out, she didn’t chose to be placed for adoption. And yes, I will put my feelings on the back burner for her feelings – she’s my daughter. But I believe that we need to be careful of the line that can be too easily crossed when we start to put other’s needs too far above our own….and I think that line is stayed more steady by maintaining mutual respect.

To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner. 

 

ETA: If you’re looking for what I said in the past about The Primal Wound (you know, before I even read it!) see here.

Heather @ PNR has given us a pretty open topic for the newest OA Roundtable: open adoption and the holidays. Since we all have something to say, join on in and write something too! The more the merrier – and isn’t this the season to be merry?

 

There are very few moments in open adoption where I really sit back and think, “Wow, this is easy!” Those moments do happen – usually when I’m sitting with my daughter in my lap, or when a date for a visit is mutually agreed upon with relative ease, or when I open my inbox to receive a surprise update. Those moments feel good and right and simple.

The holidays? Are not that way.

Not for me at least.

The holidays are a time where I wonder and overanalyze and second guess and can’t seem to get anything right. It’s a time where I can’t focus on growing our open adoption, and instead have to settle for maintaining it – because frankly, that’s all I have the energy and strength for. As I’ve written before, Cupcake’s birthday tends to kick the holidays into high gear for me. Thanksgiving compounds the issue, and of course as soon as December 1 hits you can’t deny the feelings of merriment that you’re supposed to exude.

Adoption can hamper some of that merriment.

Because you’re not just going to the ice rink enjoying a cold night and a hot chocolate, you’re seeing your daughter in the brown eyes of the little girl that just slipped while her Dad teaches her how to skate. And you’re not just standing on Main Street in Disneyland settling for fake snow after the fireworks with your family, but you’re thinking about the fact that your daughter goes to Disneyland with her Mom and maybe she’s somewhere under that same faux snow. And you’re not just cuddled up by a fire with loved ones, because you’ll always think about the one loved one – the most loved one – that’s not there.

It’s a million little things that add to the complexity of the season.

And that’s before you take into account the open part of open adoption. The wondering what you should do. And the wondering what they might do.

Do I send a card?

Do I send a present?

Do I send something to my child and her Mother?

Do I send a picture?

Do I send an email?

Do I send it well before the holiday?

Do I time it so it arrives on Christmas Eve?

Do I retreat and not intrude on their celebrations?

Is my sending something – anything – an unwelcome reminder that I’m here?

Will I get a picture of Cupcake opening presents?

Did she wear a frilly red dress?

Will I get an email?

Will I hold my breath the entire time waiting?

I know that those questions have the ability to drive me crazy. I know that those questions aren’t asked and answered once but, much like the decision to place at all, will be debated and decided time and time again. I know that sometimes they can paralyze me with fear and uncertaity, until the sand has run out of the holiday clock and I’m left staring at the wrapped present that never got sent. The ornament to match my own that stays in it’s gift bag. The email I draft, but can’t find the strength to hit “send.”

I hope that I’m not hit by the wave of paralysis. I hope that I find the strength to hold up my end of the bargain (albeit a bargain that was never officially made) even if nothing happens in return. I hope that I can live some of that merriment despite the things that hold me back.

But no matter what I hope that when the New Year comes, I will be able to put another complex holiday season behind me and move towards something more simple. Something less stressful. And a time when I can again find the energy and strength to build our open adoption.

Wishing you a simple, and merry holiday season!

Today is my nephew JBear’s birthday. He’s three.

In case you’ve forgotten, Cupcake is three years and fifteen days.

So it’s probably no great revelation that I find myself incredibly drawn to JBear.

He’s absolutely adorable. Tiny for his age, but his vocabulary and sense of humor make him a huge presence. He lights up a room and I can’t help but melt when I walk up to his door every Monday night and hear him squeal my name over and over again while he fumbles to unlock the front door.

And yet, walking in the door and swooping him up in my arms is no replacement for the fact that I don’t do those things with my daughter. When I tucked him into bed last night we said “goodbye” to two and I told him that the next time I saw him he’d be three.

I never got to say that to my daughter. Because I thought I’d see her as a two year old again. It didn’t happen, and I’m coming to terms with that in my own way, in my own time.

I also didn’t do anything on Cupcake’s birthday this year. Well, nothing symbolic. Nothing denoting that it was her birthday. In fact, I was with JBear that evening, as her birthday fell on a Monday…But tonight as he blows out his candles, I’ll be thinking of her. And I know it’s not her actual birthday, but it’s a birthday party for a three year old that I love.

And for a moment, I might just let myself pretend that it’s different.

I had the best of intentions on posting Friday, but somewhere between a meeting in the city and a brief window of opportunity to leave the office early, I forgot. Until I got here this morning and realized that my upbeat adoption free post of my thoughts never actually materialized…..

I had been thinking about writing about…..(shocker)….Long Board. Last week marked five months since we met, and depending on who you ask four (or five) months since we started dating. Which might not sound like a great feat, but for me is pretty remarkable. And despite the fact that we’ve made it here with only one or two little hiccups, I still have the nagging feeling that I’m just waiting for the shoe to drop. That, as if by magic, he’s going to wake up one morning and realize that he’s been suppressing some opinion of me and that he can’t ignore it any longer.

But that keeps not happening….

Which means I’m starting to believe that it won’t! At least in the forseeable future. Now, things are freaking me out in the other direction. Take this weekend for instance….

We went to my parents house Saturday to pick up some tailgating gear. We go inside the house and are talking to my Mom when I see my mail pile. I still get a lot of my mail at my parents house, so I always check to see if I got anything good. On top of the pile were two cards from my Mom – the family Christmas card and an invitation to my parents holiday party. Both were addressed “TG and Long Board.” I’ve never ever never had a letter addressed to me and a boy before. It was a little wierd to me, but Long Board didn’t blink twice – and confirmed to my Mom that we’d be at the holiday party.

Now the holiday party is in two weekends, so I’m okay with that. But in relationships, I’ve always been pretty wary of making plans too far in advance. I mean, let’s face it, we don’t know if we’re going to be together in March, so should we really make plans for then? But LB is all about making plans. We’ve got our trip at the end of the month – which again seems normal, but then we’re talking about going to DC in the spring, Hawaii in the summer, and we’d even talked about football games next season, before this college season had taken it’s last breath! On the one hand, I realize that these plans are all mythical plans that don’t have dates or tickets or confirmations, so it’s not like they can’t fall through – but I’m so used to the guy that’s not real keen on making plans past a week from Wednesday that this kind of planning tends to leave me a little befuddled….

Then Sunday we went to my parents for dinner. I said we didn’t have to, but LB insisted. My grandparents were there and Nana is a little…..much. First off, she asks the blatant questions like, “What are your intentions” and makes open threats like, “I don’t know if you know this, but I love that girl very much and if you hurt her I will shoot you.” Also, she’s a little handsy. Like she’ll sit pretty close, and she asked LB if she could hold his hand while they sat in private conversation. (Private as in she kept telling me not to eavesdrop….I still don’t know what they were talking about….) Instead of running? LB laughed and told her not to worry. He sat around while my family exhibited it’s normal craziness, sat in on the debate my sister and I have about who Mom’s favorite kid is, spent time listening to Pops tell stories, and was a better sport than I ever could have imagined. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, he said he liked my family.

Whether he was lying or not, I can’t tell – but I don’t really care. He’s at least willing to fake it ’til he makes it.

And then we finally had a quasi-hypothetical discussion about our long distance situation and what our other options would be should we decide that living 99 miles away is too far.

My vote was that I’m pretty used to our situation and seeing him on the weekends, but it would be nice after an especially craptastic day at work if I could call him to complain and he could say, “That sounds horrible – how about I grab some In-n-Out and meet you at your place in 20?” But that’s one of the restraints of our relationship.

His vote was that he likes the way it is because he can be easily distracted sometimes and this way he can focus on school Monday through Friday and then be here on the weekends. His thought being that it might be too much to juggle mid-week if he felt like he should also spend time with me, or if I wouldn’t understand why we couldn’t go out, etc. Basically that me being closer could be a stressor during the week…..until he realized that I could also be a support system for him when school/his research stresses him out.

So we were at an impasse. Things are okay the way they are now….but I don’t want it to be like this forever. Or at least for the three years it’ll take him to finish up his PhD. (Which I realize is ridiculous, planning three years from now based on five months, but I guess we’re just talking like that these days). He’s mostly impressed that I haven’t asked him to move to be closer to me. I was incredulous that he would even think that I (or someone) would make that request. He’s in school, in a great program, and there’s no way I would try to get him to throw that away for a shorter commute to me. I told him I’d move to where he is before that happened.

Which is how we left things.

Which is good.

Really good.

If only a little terrifying too….

I don’t know what I was thinking….I knew that the show had some hokey, and yet still triggering, adoption story-line. But the show was so corny, and the coercion was SO blantant and clearly not okay, that it didn’t bother me as much as shows where the coercion is subtle and acceptable. The culprit of the coercion is clearly unstable and “a bad guy” on the show so…..but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Glee.

I suppose i’m a little surprised I haven’t seen more blog posts about this show, but I was out of town for a couple weeks and admit that I gave up trying to catch up on every blog I follow.

Here’s the brief – and pretty ridiculous basic story line, at least as far as adoption is concerned:

Quinn, a high school girl is pregnant.

Finn, a high school boy, thinks he’s the father, since she told him he is.

Noah, another high school boy, IS the father.

Mr. Shuster is their Glee Club teacher.

Teri, is Mr. Shuster’s wife.

Okay, so Teri is pregnant at the beginning of the season. She finds out a few weeks later that it was a “hysterical pregnancy” – as in all the symptoms but not a real pregnancy. She only really wanted to be pregnant so that her husband wouldn’t leave her. SO, she starts faking a pregnancy.

Realizing this can’t go on forever, she needs another plan.

Which is where Quinn comes in. Teri meets Quinn and convinces her that adoption is the best plan for everyone. That she will take Quinn’s baby, never tell Mr. Shuster, and that Quinn can….you guessed it….”go on with her life.”

Coercion, ethical disasters, and horrible cliches abound!

It’s BAD.

And on another day I’ll address all of that – because I’m not excusing it – believe me.

But I’m a sucker for cheesy musical numbers and I GOTTA see how they eventually handle all of this. (Thankfully, some of it finally got resolved in last night’s episode – spoiler alert – like Teri came clean to Mr. Shue about the fake pregnancy – well, more like he found one of her fake bellies and demanded the truth – including her evil adoption plot. He’s appropriately pissed and has left her).

Anyway, between the set-up and last night’s episode was the episode called “Ballad” that I punished myself by watching…..on Thanksgiving.

Highlights of this trigger filled episode?

A scene where Quinn comes clean to her parents about her pregnancy – which includes her yelling at her Mom something along the lines of, “You knew! You knew this whole time! You pretend not to but how could you not know??? I’m your daughter? Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you help? You let me go through this on my own! How could you do that?”

Uh, let me remind you – it’s Thanksgiving – three years after I gave birth, and I’m sitting on my Mom’s couch, in her house, watching this on her Tivo, while she prepares Thanksgiving Dinner in the kitchen behind me.

Add that to the fact that Quinn’s outburst is roughly something that’s started to creep forward in my mind recently, and it was almost more than I could handle.

And I thought it couldn’t get worse.

But then I heard the song that was just too much.

Finn, who we recall thinks he’s Quinn’s baby’s father, knows about her plan to place the baby for adoption (though he doesn’t know that she plans on placing his daughter – oh, did I not mention it’s a baby girl? – with his teacher) and is blindly supportive. He’ll do whatever she decides.

But he doesn’t like it.

Assigned to sing a ballad that means something to him, he stumbles looking for the right song. He finds it, and there is a way too hard-hitting for me (and perhaps all of us whose children’s fathers wanted nothing to do with us or our children) scene in which he sings to a video of a sonogram of his daughter.

I’ll never hear the song the same again.

So yeah, NOT the show to watch on Thanksgiving…..

• That one of my darling nieces is turning FIVE today!
• That Long Board and I met five months ago today! (And basically started dating immediately)
• That my boss threw me under the bus… AGAIN
• That I drank SEVEN cups of coffee today
• That it seems like every book I’ve read recently has some tangential hidden adoption plotline that I couldn’t have predicted from the summary on the back of the book.
• That it’s already December.
• That at the end of the month I have an amazing nine day vacation with Long Board.
• That on that vacation I will hopefully get to meet a bloggy friend!
• That on that vacation I will get to visit two of my brothers whom I miss
• That my Colts are STILL undefeated (yay!)
• That I keep rooting for the stupid Redskins as my NFC team because Long Board likes them (even though I SWORE I would never like a team for some guy)
• That it’s only Wednesday….uh, slowest week ever!
• That I didn’t have a visit last month
• That college football season is basically over for me this weekend
• That Cyber Bestie’s gonna have her baby pretty soon! (I remember when she found out she was pregnant! Seems like only yesterday! Of course, that’s easy for me to say, haha)
• That it’s not 5:00 yet…..so ready to go home!
• That I’m doing some lame list-y post today instead of writing something significant. But there you go! That’s just the kind of day this is!

More tomorrow!

(Well, not more of THIS, haha!)

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

So, obviously, the past week I’ve been a little quiet. A little absent. And everyone knows why, has been wonderfully supportive and caring, and it really has meant a lot to me. People reached out in different ways, in different forms, and really helped to carry me through the week. But now I’ve got to really carry myself again. And, for me, right now, I think a part of that means stepping away a little bit.

Not stepping away from here – though I know that I inadvertently did that these past couple weeks – but just stepping back. Just stepping back….Open adoption has been quite a roller coaster for me. I go from feeling so sorry for myself to being so excited about a visit. From being so frustrated at the lack of communication to being so thrilled about the smallest update. And I realize that it’s a roller coaster that I keep putting myself on over and over and over again.

I can make Dee out to be a saint one day and a sinner the next. I can exhalt her for inviting me into this open adoption and then condemn her for not holding up her end of the bargain. I can praise her for scheduling a visit and I can shame her for not following through on it.

OR, I can just accept that she’s Dee. Not sinner, not saint, not to be praised or shamed, but just Dee.

I mean, isn’t that what we as first parents have been asking for? To just be seen as who we are?

I don’t think this will be easy, and I don’t think this is something new that I haven’t vowed to do in the past, but hopefully it’s something that I’ll stick with. This time.

So that’s one part of the plan in moving forward…..

And really? I think that’s the only part of the plan that I really know….in the future? I’d like to have the visit, but I’m still not emotionally ready to try to coordinate one again. Which likely means we will have had one visit in 2009….which kills me, but I know that I can’t go through another near miss with a visit right now. Maybe in early 2010, like January or something, but I know that with the holidays, my emotions are on the fritz and scheduling is hard enough when both parties are aggressive about getting something on the calendar.

So maybe that’s it for today…..baby steps, but more writing soon, I promise.