First off, let me admit this:
I’ve been crazy nervous about participating in this book tour….yet when I saw that it was available I signed up without really thinking about it. It was the little shove that I needed to actually sit down and read the book. If you consider yourself a part of the adoption community in any way, there’s little chance you haven’t heard of this book. Heck, even if you haven’t read it, you probably have an opinion of it! I realized that I did have an opinion of it – born from what I heard others say. From what others thought. So I was glad to join the book tour, read the book, and formulate my own thoughts.
And here are some of them.
- As a birthmother I was drawn to Chapter 10 and the discussion of the ‘Cardinal Rules for Adoptive Parents.’ I think if my role had been reversed and I was an adoptive mother, as much as my former birthmother self would like to be recognized, I do not think that I would consciously do this. I would be honest with questions about the birthmother and compassionate, but in my mother role I would try to emmulate everything that a good mother is for her child….and this would not be taking anyones place. I am his mother. I would ask both adoptive mothers and birthmothers what their thoughts are on this.
Also a first Mom, I was also drawn to the Cardinal Rules for Adoptive Parents. However, I had a very different experience when reading this portion of the text. Perhaps it’s because I’m too close to placement to ever consider my “former birthmother self.” At this point, I can’t conceive of a day when that won’t be a very integral part of who I am, no matter how my “Mother” status may evolve.
I’ve always had a fear, since a fairly young age, that I wouldn’t be able to have children. When I was in college, and conceived my daughter, I found out that this wasn’t true. For the time being at least. But it’s always lead me to think about roads that I might take to Motherhood. I’ve taken one path that’s led me to (first)Motherhood, and sometimes the old fears sneak back….perhaps I’ll have secondary infertility and won’t conceive a child that I’ll parent. Then what?
Could I adopt a child?
And I don’t know. Because unlike the author of this question, I don’t think I can take off the first Mom hat enough to be the sort of adoptive Mother than can just BE Mom without constantly thinking about my child’s other Mother. I’m not sure I could bring myself to adopt a child that has another Mother….and if I could, I can’t imagine going much beyond a more co-parenting structure. Perhaps being a legal gaurdian as opposed to the adoptive parent. I would gladly share the title of Mother if that’s what the child chose to call me, but I’m just not sure I could put myself first as Mom, and I think to some extent that’s what adoptive parents have to do.
I’ve never been great at putting myself first, and if it hurt a person that is walking in shoes that I broke in during my first Motherhood? I’m just not sure I could do it.
This isn’t to say anything against folks that could….it’s just a road that I don’t know how to walk yet….and I’m not sure I’d ever be able to truly navigate it….
- If you had read this book as you were making your decision, how might this information have changed your decision-making process? Not necessarily the outcome (which you may or may not have regrets about) but the thoughts that went into the decision to place.
It’s funny someone would posit this question, because as I read the book I was asking myself something similar. And furthermore I was wondering what it would do to the adoptive community to have this book be required reading, not just for those considering placement, but for those considering adoption as well…..
While I know the question isn’t meant to address the outcome, I will say this: I’m not sure I could have placed my daughter after reading this book. There are so many things that I didn’t realize before I had my daughter. Not just things that I learned from this book – but things that I learned from other first parents, from adoptive parents, and most especially, from those that were adopted themselves. I truly believed that I was not important in my daughter’s life. That if she could have a better life (not just different, I believed better) that she really would never miss the idea of me. I realize how ridiculous that sounds now, but there you have it. Confession of the day.
How, back to the topic at hand….I would have gone straight to an agency. I placed in an incredibly unconventional way, and while I tried to rectify the mistakes I made, they were made. So I would run to an agency. I would pour over books of couples, and I would ask oh so many questions. I would find out what their beliefs about open adoption were. I would look for someone that shared what I believe in. I would find someone that I trusted, that I got along with, and that I believed would be an amazing parent to my child. (Not that Cupcake’s Mom is NOT those things, but I never got the chance to decide before my daughter was placed – a regret that I do have).
But more than those things – I want my daughter’s Mom to believe that the Primal Wound is a reality. No, I’m not being paid by Nancy Verrier and I’m not the spokesperson for the Primal Wound – but here is my reasoning.
IF my child feels that she has a Primal Wound – I want desperately for her to be believed.
Not having lived the life that she will as someone that was adopted, I can’t speak for her. I don’t know if everything posited in the book is 100% true. I don’t know if it’s felt by all adoptees. I don’t know that every word in that book is printed gold.
But I do know this: If there is even a chance that Cupcake might have those feelings I want to be receptive to them. I want her Mom to be receptive to them. And I want her to know, no matter what, that we believe her feelings, that we respect them, and that we will be there for her as she (we) work through them.
- A recurring message throughout the book is that adoption should be in the best interest of the child and not the adults, something that I think very few people would argue against. But should the adoptees feelings always trump everyone else’s in the triad, even when that adoptee is a grown up?
This is an idea with which I struggle the most…..
I’m being pulled in both directions – sometimes thinking “Yes! They had no say in the matter and their feelings are the most important!” and sometimes thinking, “NO! I have feelings too dang it!”
So I don’t think I can say it’s one or the other. The feelings of an adult adoptee need to be believed, respected and supported – as I stated in response to the last question.
Having said that, I think there still needs to be respect in both (all?) directions.
A dear friend said to me,
When it comes to the health and well-being of my children — any of them — their needs are my priority. That does NOT mean that I will accept abusive treatment from them, however.
And I thought, YES! That’s what I’ve been looking for. And I think that sometimes in allowing people that have been adopted to have their feelings take priority, we also sometimes allow abusive treatment in the process.
As my friend and I continued our conversation, she added:
No one should be expected to accept such treatment…..doesn’t matter who you are….none of us are born with a free pass to be an asshole, so we really shouldn’t expect others to take our shit…….just sayin’……
And before I upset anyone know this: that goes both ways, every which way, you name it. Adoptive parents, first parents, foster parents, I don’t care WHO you are parents – we all need to treat each other with respect when dealing with each other and our feelings. So I will always be sensitive to my daughters feelings (which I realize is easy to say seeing as she’s three, but I promise I will always strive to!) As the person that posed this question pointed out, she didn’t chose to be placed for adoption. And yes, I will put my feelings on the back burner for her feelings – she’s my daughter. But I believe that we need to be careful of the line that can be too easily crossed when we start to put other’s needs too far above our own….and I think that line is stayed more steady by maintaining mutual respect.
To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.
ETA: If you’re looking for what I said in the past about The Primal Wound (you know, before I even read it!) see here.