Every month, I’m struck by the urge to announce the fact that I’m not pregnant. Perhaps I want to shout out that I was successfully responsible. Perhaps I want to celebrate the fact. Perhaps it’s just the immense relief that I feel when I know I’m not pregnant.
But this month, a funny thing happened as I approached my favorite visitors return. I didn’t freak out with worry that it wouldn’t. I usually have at least one day where I’m a little freaked out. I would worry that I didn’t take my birth control at the EXACT same time every day. I would have a mini panic attack as I pictured myself having to explain the situation to Long Board. And I was almost surprised every time I wasn’t pregnant.
What’s so different this month? Well, for the past two months I’ve been rocking the NuvaRing – which I LOVE. Honestly. I think it’s just the most delightful birth control I’ve ever had the pleasure of using.
Now, the first month I used it I wasn’t so confident….(Warning: TMI ahead!) Most days, I would get paranoid that it would travel somewhere deep into my person where it would never be found without the use of a headlamp. I mean, Long Board owns a headlamp (that one in fact) but I the thought of inviting him to do a search and rescue isn’t high on my list of priorities. Anyway, in an effort to reassure myself that the Ring hadn’t wandered, I’d do a little excavation of my own. Sure enough, there it was every time.
I also was a little paranoid about Doing the Adult the first month. The first couple of times, I would discreetly sneak to the bathroom and remove it before activities. Then, one morning, I didn’t feel like running off when Long Board started an impromptu wrestling match. So I left it in, crossing my fingers that there it would stay and that he wouldn’t be surprised when he was the winner in NuvaRing Toss. Psh, he never noticed the blasted thing. So much that he was surprised when I finally told him about the change in birth control.
SO, all that to say: I LOVE what NuvaRing’s doing for me because I don’t have to worry about the daily dose. And I know that I’m doing it right and that any mistake isn’t going to be from “user error.” I’m living up to my due diligence.
But my consistent and reliable birth control doesn’t seem to be the only factor in this change of heart….I just feel…..different.
I don’t know. I certainly don’t WANT to become pregnant right now! I have a basically unemployed potential Baby Daddy that lives 90 miles away and a job that’s barely making the bills as it is. It would not be an ideal situation to say the least.
But, for the first time ever, it’s not one that literally paralyzes me with fear.
For the first time ever, I don’t get nauseous just thinking about telling a guy that I’ve got his baby inside of me (and yes, this is something that I run through in my head with every guy I’ve slept with since Cupcake was conceived).
For the first time ever, I don’t just know that I WOULD keep my baby, but I feel confident that everyone would be happy and excited and it would be a real pregnancy experience.
Would my Mom be disappointed? Sure. But she knows I love Long Board and that he’d be in this.
Would Long Board be shocked? Absolutely! But this would just be a fast forward, not a blindside. Hell, he’s got his top boy and girl name picked out and talks about us having kids all of the time. And I know that he’d be scared and nervous and, sure, potentially upset at first. But I think he’d come out on the other end excited.
And now THOSE are the things that scare the crap out of me!
I’ve recently watched Cyber Bestie navigate the road from preventing pregnancy to planning pregnancy, and listened to her warnings about how weird it was to “pull the goalie” and actually TRY to get pregnant. I’ve followed Susie as she experiences her second pregnancy and seen how she’s approaching things so differently. And it’s odd to see me, in my own way, taking some of those steps….
Now, make no mistake.
No “goalie” will be pulled.
No plans for a baby will be made.
No “accidental” leaving out the NuvaRing for more than the allowed three hours to see what would happen.
But I can breathe. I don’t live with the deep and intense fear of pregnancy. I feel a little released from my own paranoia.
And I feel really good knowing that it’s because of where I am today.


