I’m going to say some things that seem contradictory….but I’m not sure they really are.
Again, these are some preliminary thoughts, and I’m not sure I’ve got it all worked out in my head, which means there’s very little chance they’ll come across clear as crystal here, but it’s worth a shot.
Before I get to the heavy, possibly confusing adoption stuff, let me clear my head with an uncomplicated, non adoption related story:
I used to have a friend and either one of us would, at various times, be the more financially stable one. She was getting more hours at her job, she’d treat me to a movie. I was making better tips at my job, I’d treat her to dinner. We had a discussion in the very beginning of this exchange and explained that the other didn’t have to worry. It was “friend money.” It would all work itself out eventually. Probably.
It didn’t. I had a job where I made tips, she had an hourly job and she didn’t make much more than I did – before tips. We had to have the “friend money” talk again, because it wasn’t working itself out and my wallet was now consistently taking more of a hit than hers was.
But I didn’t care. She was my friend. I wanted to see her and spend time with her. And yes, often we did that for free, but sometimes we didn’t, and I was more than happy to cover her share.
It could have gotten awkward and confusing and complicated, but it didn’t. We kept it simple. We set up boundaries where we didn’t lend large amounts of money or just hand it over blindly. We worked so that our relationship wasn’t impacted by what could have been the elephant in the room – mostly because we talked openly about the elephant. And we were on the same page.
It was then that I realized that money issues didn’t have to be some huge awkward deal.
Though I’d watched them become that in other people’s realtionships, so I certainly acknowledged the possibility! I just had one of those, “That won’t happen to me” moments.
Of course, we fast forward five or ten years and here I am, fretting over money and relationships. Ah, the life of the adult, right? (And not the twenty year old adult that just thinks she’s an adult when the real adults all know better!)
Not only do I deal with all this money crap in my relationship with Long Board (though I think we’re taking an approach similar to what my old girl friend and I did, hence the working out so well bit) but in my relationship with Dee.
Adoption seems to be an even more fertile mine field than other relationships, and money is no exception. But does it have to be so different?
I do think that exchanging money in Adoptionland can muddy the waters.
I don’t think that prospective adoptive parents should be paying expectant mom expenses – food, clothing, hospital bills, etc.
I don’t think that after placement adoptive parents should continue to be financial resources for their child’s first parents. (Or the other way around either – yes, it happens!)
I do think there are exceptions to the rule.
For instance, one of my Cyber friends sent her son’s first Mom some money for food. She’s currently unemployed and hasn’t been able to provide adequately for her family. Cyber friend felt compelled to help. She wasn’t asked, forced, manipulated. She just wanted to help.
She received some support and she received some criticism.
But it was something she said later, in response to some of the criticism that really got me:
We sponsor a family in xxxx every month for $30.00 (food)
I’m not “responsible” but if I can do it for strangers how can I not help the woman who brought my child into the world? I mean it’s FOOD!
And it reminded me of how I can make things harder than they have to be. And that sometimes something can just be simple, even when it doesn’t seem that way from all angles.
A Mother was hungry.
Another Mother was able to help her out.
They happen to be Mothers to the same child.
Do I think this should be the plan? That one woman should be financially responsible for the other? That relying on this sort of assistance is the way to build fair and healthy relationships? Nope! I don’t.
But I also realize that it can work once in a while. That sometimes if you take a step back it doesn’t have to be this circle of “what if’s” where the most “reasonable” conclusion is that drugs will be bought, boundaries will be shattered, and the lender will enter into a lifelong manipulative relationship with the lendee.
Sometimes a dollar is just a dollar.
And sometimes it can become unhealthy.
So sometimes, can’t we establish our boundaries, support each other, have open dialogues, and find a place for “friend money?”
